How the Internet Works

Disclaimer: I know I'm probably preaching to the choir here, cause you all are smart peoples. But this is one of those irresistible rant-type topics! So...

I avoided reading any posts about the whole Reviewers vs. Authors debacle until now. I did not want to get embroiled in that hot mess. I wasn't going to read it at all, but then I found a pretty chill, sensible post about it, and what can I say? Curiosity killed the cat.

I read some of the threads -- authors bitching at reviewers, reviewers bitching at authors, name-calling, attempts at rigging the system, etc. Now, I review a few books on Goodreads, and yes, I've reviewed a couple bad ones, but there's almost always something positive to say along with the negatives. What can I say? After 4 years of peer-reviewing in college, I think of books in crit-group terms.

But I don't consider myself a reviewer. And I'm not an author yet. So I'm speaking here to the author side of things, because someday I hope to count myself among their ranks.

Apparently some authors need to learn how the internet works.

Allow me to explain:

At first glance, it seems anonymous. You are hidden behind this big shiny screen. Nobody can see you. No uncomfortable eye contact, no holding a drink in your hand to disguise the fact that your dance moves look less coordinated than a giraffe in a tango class. Oh wait, that's prom.

Anyway! It feels private.

Newsflash? IT ISN'T.

Everything that you type on here stays on the record somewhere. Your 10 year old PhotoBucket pictures from when you were an angsty teen with a bowl cut and owl glasses? Yeah, get famous enough and someone will dig those up.

That blog post you wrote 3 years ago jokingly insulting the author you never thought you'd meet but who is now your agent's client as well? Will resurface.

That Twitter comment you made after too many glasses of wine bitching about your job? Your boss will find that too.

THAT IS HOW THE INTERNET WORKS.

Something else to remember? Those hurtful words on the screen, written by that total jackass peace4luv, who is not peaceful or loving and who cannot even be bothered to spell out l-o-v-e?

They're not just appearing there magically. There's a person behind them. A living, breathing human being. Who knows? Maybe it's a 13-year-old kid, just setting foot into the world for the first time, unfortunately before the prepubescent annoying phase has worn off. YOU CAN'T BE SURE.

So even if they're insulting you, even if "they started it, Mommy," and their reviews make you grind your teeth and scream and throw shit at walls... What the hell is attacking them back going to solve?

Will it improve their opinion of you or your book? No.

Will it intimidate them into taking down their review? No.

Will it make other readers who are checking out their review more likely to read your book in spite of the bad recommendation? No.

Will it alienate potential readership and lead to abject humiliation for you? Yes.

Will it hurt the person who attacked you? Maybe.

Will it make you feel better to hurt them, especially if you later learn that they are a 13-year-old kid, or a volunteer firefighter who spends 18 hours a day saving lives and the other 3 hours reading books late at night, who just happens to have been really irritated or sleepy when they posted their inflammatory review of your book? I hope not.

Now back to my first point. Remember how nothing on the internet is ever truly deleted? Congratulations, now your embarrassing angry rant at this anonymous online reviewer about whom you know nothing, will remain plastered on your permanent record for the rest of your life.

Bad reviews suck. They hurt. Maybe they're unjust and maybe the reviewer really is a complete jackass who deserves a karmic kick in the pants. But the solution is never to retaliate. The solution is to buy a giant bottle of vodka, build a dartboard with their reviews taped to it, and invite your REAL LIFE friends over to enjoy a drunken bitchfest (although, in retrospect, darts + too much booze might be a bad idea too, hmm...).

Because that's the great thing about the internet. It has an off switch. So when it's pissing you off, shut down and go out into the real world. At least when you complain there, nobody is recording every word you say.*

* Unless you are on a reality TV show, in which case, don't do this either.**

** Also, if someone is following you around recording everything you say, and you aren't on a reality show, then FYI, Big Brother is happening. WARN EVERYONE!!!