Anywho, here goes:
Darryl is a runaway in a future where the homeless are forced to live in dangerous shelters, breeding-grounds for the city's most violent criminals. For the past four years, Darryl has been dwelling in a stolen gondola along the canals of a post-global-flooding, Venetian-style New York City. She lives as a man to protect herself and to evade the cops. But when mobsters steal Darryl's leaky gondola and use it to dump the body of New York's mayor, avoiding police attention becomes a lot harder.
The police believe she's the murderer, the real killers are hot on her heels, and the mob places a hit on her head. Adita, the daredevil daughter of a senator, helps Darryl hide, but things get complicated when they fall for each other, since Adita still believes that Darryl is a man. In the end, to avoid death, Darryl must find the answers herself, inside the one place she fears most - the shelters.
STRAY is a young adult dystopian novel, complete at 51,000 words.
I love critiquing queries. Here I go: The first sentence is too long. Seems like a lot crammed in one sentence. I would just take it out. The 2nd sentence is more powerful. I love the hook. I'd take out the 'But'and 'leaky' and change it to 'home'. In the 2nd paragraph, I'd take our 'daredevil' I think the conflict stated stands well without added embelishments. I really loved it and the conflicts show clearly. I hope I helped.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to send you a PM critique over on AW so that I can use the editing features. Just wanted to say though that I really like this.
ReplyDeleteI like the premise. My suggestions - I think the bit about her living as a man seems thrown in and random. Is there a way to make it flow better and possibly earlier?
ReplyDeleteAlso, I don't understand how living as a man helps her evade the cops.
I would also consider taking out the Adita part or strengthening it. As it is now, it seems like a tangent from the real story - how Darryl is going to escape everything thrown at her.
It seems like you use the name Darryl without the gender tag in the first two sentences deliberately, just to try to make it more shocking when you reveal that Darryl is really a girl. It just comes across as stilted to me. Also, the sentence "She lives as a man to protect herself and to evade the cops." implies that they exclusively come after women.
ReplyDeleteMaybe tweak the first sentence to be "Darryl is a runaway girl in a future. . .", and then the second sentence could be, "She knows of the dangers of the shelters and its inhabitants firsthand, so instead she lives as a man along the canals of a post-global-flooding, Venetian-style New York City. But when mobsters steal . . ."
Just my opinion, take what you can use!
Thank you guys soooo much <333 Those critiques are all super-helpful! :D
ReplyDelete