Why I Should Never Be Allowed Out in Public

Things I do at fancy publishing parties:

Spend 10 minutes pitching an interested editor by telling her why agents rejected my last novel. WHAT. WORST IDEA EVER.
Accidentally imply that the premise of very-nice-person-I-just-met's book is overdone.*
Forget to eat beforehand and get giggly after 1 glass of wine.
Awkwardly try not to pitch agents so as not to put them off, then get flustered when they ask what I write and forget the one-sentence pitch I wrote and memorized months ago just on the off chance that this ever happened. Babble inanely instead.

Things I do when meeting new male friends/people on subways:

Accidentally imply I am a lesbian**
Start babbling about books
Start babbling about books that teenagers read
Start ranting about how there are not enough POC or LGBTQ teens in said books that teenagers read
Get into an argument about genre vs. literary and how I think they both have their merits and STOP TRYING TO LOOK PRETENTIOUS BECAUSE YOU ONLY READ "CLASSICS"***

Things I do at work parties:

Accidentally imply I am married****
Eat all of the food that everyone else is politely not touching
Attempt to converse with my boss's boss's boss while my mouth is full of said food (why do people always say hello when you are right in the middle of scarfing a huge chunk of hummus or something?!)
Never know when is the proper moment to shake hands with new coworkers, and thus accidentally appear to snub a lot of them
Forget what the name of a waffle iron is, and spend a full minute trying to excitedly explain that it's the hot thingy you put batter into and waffles come out
Talk about my cats. Way too much*****
Rant some more about YA and how it's totally justified as a genre. Stare vacantly when people ask about the non-fiction books my department actually publishes

Things I say whenever small children are anywhere within a 20-foot vicinity:

()#$&(@$&(#*@*(&(@!#)!&#(!&*@)!@&$(!@$(&!$(&@$(!!!
Swearing attracts them. Like magnets. I swear it's not my fault (##*(@ it.

* And I do mean accidentally. Because often they do have a great premise, related to a subject we don't see in YA enough. I do not know, MY MOUTH JUST MOVES AND BAD THINGS HAPPEN.

** Which would be totally cool if I was a lesbian, but unfortunately, I like guys. And then they think I do not. Oops.
Also, by "imply I am a lesbian," I don't mean that I do... lesbian-y things... because those don't exist, boo stereotypes.
I mean, I say "girlfriend" all the time (in the old lady way, meaning like, my friends who are girls, but) and then I have this weird problem where I constantly refer to my ex as "my former partner" because I can't figure out what term to denominate him by, but then partner sounds like... well... yeah.


*** Also, FYI, Dan Brown is not a "classic." He is genre. STUFF IT.

**** Maybe it's because my roomie and I have a joint-hyphenated last-name household according to our cats' adoption certs. And we adopted cats together... And she brings lunches to my office when I forget them.

***** I have become one of THOSE cat owners. You know. The crazy ones that smell like cabbage and have 15 cats and talk to them more than humans...